Midnight Struggles

7 June 2008
Its just the beginning of the seventh day of June and I still haven’t gone to sleep because I’m trying to figure out my last three semesters at CBU (which is where I’ll be staying now) and I’m trying to decide on what my second major and/or minor will be. I keep coming up to roadblocks where my history major (which I’m determined to keep) does not work with another option, and where I get frustrated because I don’t know what I will do after college and I want to pick good, practical majors, but ones that I’ll enjoy studying, and I know that what I major in does not make or break my life but I just want to use the time I have at this ultra expensive school wisely. Wow that was a long sentence, but it sums up these midnight struggles pretty good. On my widget on my computer I see that its almost a quarter to 11 in “Central Asia” and it makes me excited to think that in 10 days I’ll be there in that time zone. I honestly have been thinking about this trip SO much in the last few months that I can’t believe its actually almost here, like really almost here. I feel so ready to go, yet so unprepared and worry that I’m making this about me (as I usually do) and not allowing HIM to work and not set up the trip as some sort of idol in my life. The goal is not to just have a nice time with my team, but to glorify my Father the entire time. I can’t do this myself, but I know that by His grace He will allow my team and I to be effective. I’m amazed that even in a three-week trip, a small grain of sand in the hourglass of time, He may choose to use 11 people to further His kingdom. I don’t want to sound all dramatic or ego-centric, but I believe that by the end of this whole long experience that will come to a close on July 7th, He will have transformed ordinary people into extraordinary servants. That is my prayer. Not that I may be great (oh I hope this is truly my heart!) but that my life would be extraordinary for Him and His great purpose. Even in this my faith seems shaky and I struggle with doubt. But I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it because He is merciful and good.

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